It is very important not to get confused about mr.bill, the servant/writer of the Lord, especially in view of the glorious wonder of what the magnificent Lord is doing through His servant this day; it is truly golden beyond compare. Therefore, our wise Lord set out from the beginning to humble him below his brothers. Yes, it is also true that the central function of my terrible and dark beginnings was to sear into my consciousness a deep understanding about why wrong is wrong, and that righteousness is the way of light, and life [especially so that I could more accurately write it out]. But, it has now become quite clear to me that an additional reason why my former life was darker than most all my brothers was for humbling me for this day, so that I might be able to acceptably serve His people before His face continuously; it was a vital part of His preparation labors on me. And like David noted of this burden of shame I carry for the rest of my life, the memory of my grotesque sins are always before me [Ps 51:3].
The worst part of my sins is how far the damages spread, with extensive rippling effects that seem to never have an end. Any and all my sins may continue to cause harm and destruction for generations beyond me; God only knows. I hope every day in His great power to kill those ripples, and finally still and cleanse the waters I muddied with my wild and rebellious feet. I know all too well that I have no powers to raise back to true life those my actions have killed, either in spirit, or in body; and I know without doubts that very real bloodguiltiness is upon me, of both kinds, even if He chose to keep some in an indirect form, for His future purposes for me.
Truly the demons had every right to kill me under God’s righteous Law, which they did, in more ways than one. It is not really possible, nor even correct, to describe how much I have suffered under the terrible blows administered by God’s ‘tool’, Satan [1 Tim 1:20]. I am still a bit shaky, but recovering from the ordeals. Still, that in no way removes from my heart the understanding that my sins continue to kill, destroy, and to rape the consciences of His beloved lambs, exactly like spent nuclear fuel, with it’s still devastating radioactivity, for any and all who unknowingly come into contact with it. The more I learn about all these interconnected thoughts, the deeper this truth is seared into my mind and heart.
All this is before I even begin to consider the unfathomable shame I have brought upon the majestic name of the Lord. And, on and on this too could go, until I collapse from emotional exhaustion; but this is not the desire of our Lord for me, nor for any of us. Though silenced into quieted service, we must still get back up, and do our jobs [2 Sam 12:15-22]. But, the problem with my job is that it is not just the lowest of positions, that of a simple beast of burden, a juvenile donkey of all things; it also happens to be right in the center of all the action [Zech 9:9], so that many might slip into envy, and other forms of judging incorrectly. Therefore, in His infinite wisdom, God added to me in these late years a massive stroke, to further weaken me, and to snuff out any last embers of the pride that once so arrogantly burned hot in my darkened heart. When I look in the mirror now, blessed to even be alive [according to the neurologist], I see a broken shell of a man, who now struggles to even fold his T. P., and can barely wipe is own butt: there is nothing left to be arrogant about! Truly, Isaiah 66:1-2 is now fully realized in mr.bill:
Isa 66:1-2
Thus says the Lord:
"Heaven is My throne,
And earth is My footstool.
Where is the house that you will build Me?
And where is the place of My rest?
2 For all those things My hand has made,
And all those things exist,"
Says the Lord.
"But on this one will I look:
On him who is poor and of a contrite spirit,
And who trembles at My word. NKJV
So, don’t get all confused, or lost in various insults or potential envies, and miss the point of this day: we are finally being offered the opportunity to make peace with our God. This is the Golden day; rejoice, and be glad in it [in due time].
Besides, the little donkey is not confused about who he is, being a mere beast of burden. While it is true that God has some astounding things He intends to do with His little friend; and that little servant must do every last detail of each command He gives him, he always recognizes just what he is in all this. Before my stroke this whole thing was fully impossible for me, beyond all my capabilities; now it is even more obvious to everyone that such an enormous project is completely beyond me. That is simply because the entire thing is His project, His show, His agenda, and for His glory alone. I’m just an inert prop on His grand stage, caught up in His great production. He handed me a script, and instructed me on how to act out this part He is assigning for me to do, in His great play. It is the same for all; each one of us is assigned a part in His great production, and we all must do that part, as assigned, no matter what it is [Mark 9:12-13].
So, my friends, take this advice, and do not forget it in these trying days to come: don’t focus your eyes upon the smelly little donkey, with all his very obvious issues; focus upon the Golden One he carries into the city and people that bear the name of the Lord. Let your eyes rest upon the Lord alone.
At times I ponder the terrible part Judas was given in God’s huge production. What did he have to do with the luck of that draw? Could he have miraculously escaped his destiny [Jer 43:11]? I think not; but who am I to say, myself being less than a passing vapor, with no real substance. In future ages, will ones like Judas be raised up into a better role, having been made white by the soul tempering effects of their shameful ways [Dan 11:35; Luke 15:11-32]; or will they cease to exist? Romans 9 has an excellent discussion on this, and maybe that is the end of it. But, how can I hate even Judas, for a part he most likely had very little to do with choosing. And I marvel at the part I now find myself walking out; but I fear deeply, in that I do know how incredible, even impossibly so, it truly is; so will God further balance this all out with yet another dark, shameful, humbling fall, in my distant future? Man, I sure hope not! Nebuchadnezzar sure got a tough lesson on this subject [Dan 4]. From this point on, all I can do is hope and pray that God will help me to do the best that I can, while having a true compassion for all hose around me, in His giant production, "with a cast of thousands."
In the meantime, I beg all for their kind patience with all my failings, especially in my lack of writing skills. When I was a child I hated English homework, with all that grammar and spelling, preferring to explore the beautiful forest where we lived, every second I could steal away into the woods [and escape our torn home life; Satan was already trying to hinder the plan of God.]. My weakness shows in the writings; so the readers must look past these difficulties, and focus on the golden manna the Lord is now bringing to His people, in this impossible act of phenomenal kindness. With a pure heart, and the power of the Holy Spirit, the reader will be able to know our Lord ["see"] like never before. May all who desire to know our Father God be blessed in these, His kind gifts to us this day. And, please: forgive the little beast of burden.
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